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Andy Zaltzmans- Origin of Disco
The Roman Empire has given us many things, from a base for the romance languages, to an empire. Its laws and constitutions have survived and given our government and judges a base for their practices. It was the fire that forged the nations of Europe. But these wonderful accomplishments pale into insignificance when we look at the awe this inspiring accomplishment, and the story of its creation makes Dan Brown look like an eight year old righting a short story about pagan ninja pineapples. Many years ago the Julius Caesar invented the Disco Dance. Jules had finally beaten the Gaul’s head honcho, Vercingetorix at battle of Alisia. Overcome with emotion he started rocking out! He shook his toot-toot and got down and Funky, which of course had been the name of the tribe Jules had conquered the previous summer, who went into battle dancing with sunglasses, Afros, Big Wigs, and flared trousers accompanied by drummers and musicians, hammering a rhythmic and insufferably catchy groove. So much so that the ordinarily so disciplined legions absolutely lost it, and were carried along by the “Funky” rhythm. What an incredible sight as the crack fifth legion under their shields, and tortoise formation started popping some serious moves! Soon the battle field looked like a 1970’s dance off between James Brown fans, and Isely brother’s fans while several field commanders took leadership leading never before seen moves like the moonwalk. Caesar was not impressed so he had ten sheepish legionaries who were standing awkwardly in the reserves shuffling their feet, to take out the Funky drum section. With the beat snuffed out the Funky lost their rhythm, the legions pulled themselves together, and accompanied by a more sedate Roman Rockabilly indulged in merry slaughter as the Funky desperately tried to dance on to the bitter end. Rumour has it that Michael Jackson got his moonwalk by a painting of the battle in a little known manuscript with an illustration of the battle. Then on to the Battle of Alisia where Caesar leading his exhausted troops against a vast army of Gaul’s, after a prolonged siege, won the battle with a decisive and daring counter attack. Jules quite inexplicably, spontaneously grooved out, hard! To quote the Roman historian Tacitus, “Hips and arms went everywhere as the C-Dog rocked his stuff in front of the surrendering Vercingetorix.” The great leader without missing a beat began the song. “Oooo, I’m the greatest general. Oooo now I’ve conquered Gaul. Oooo no animal veggie or mineral, Oooo can beat me, not at all.” As he continued to point pirouette point and generally hustle in front of his swooning legions. One of his generals Titus Labianus asked him “Big –C , how can we rock this triumphant jive?” He said awkwardly clicking his fingers and rocking back on his heels “Disco!” Ceasar shouted which literally means, I teach. The name stuck and has given us the art of dance we all know and love.” Chris doesn't like disco. Fuck you Chris